U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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