did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
