You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
