I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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