Don't you send me to vm
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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