I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize