it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
