I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
