Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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