Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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