so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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