dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
