just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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