Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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