Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
