For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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