i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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