I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
