After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
