don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
