So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize