I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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