We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize