I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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