You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
