i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
