I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
