What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
