I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
