so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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