guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Send help, water and tortillas.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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