I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
