Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
