She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
