somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
