He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
she told me i tasted like america
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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