I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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