and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
