tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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