im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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