If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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