I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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