I will die if light touches me.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
