I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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