There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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