Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Randomize
