Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
