just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
