hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
