The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
