I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
