Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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