How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
