my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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