I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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