i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
