You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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