what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
