In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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