I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
