You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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