my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
