I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
