You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
