Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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