i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
What drink are we having for lunch?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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