That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize