If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
